Suplove.

How I feel about evan and about love in general. 1) like the words by Dreams of an  Insomniac “Unless it’s mad, passionate love, it’s a waste. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” and 2) I’m all yours. If you’re all mine.

Lately evan i and I have been drifting apart, he calls it falling apart because i’ve been “doubting us too much.” I talked to him earlier *while he’s texting other people as he was listening* that I’m not doubting us, I’m doubting what he has become. He is changing. Then he thinks I’m taking him for granted. Oh no. I appreciate him so much that the immediate moment he’s different I can recognize it and that is why I’m calling him out right now. He’s been playing basketball with his friends everyday afterschool. On Friday night he’s going to play basketball again, go smoke, then watch Safehouse, “oh and you can sleep over Saturday night because I promised Keith he can sleep over on Sunday night.” WTF is that? All of a sudden I’m scheduled? Our time together is split? That’s what I’m trying to tell him. He’s being a dick while he’s with me too. Not just in the long term. He ignores me in front of his friends now. He’s also taking relationship advices from them. THERE’S A REASON WHY THEY ARE SINGLE WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ADVICE FROM SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO BECOME? So I wanted to let him choose. Does he want to be a better boyfriend or not a boyfriend at all. I admit to him that he has a very single-guy like kind of lifestyle. I told him if he acts like it, why don’t he just be it? He’s like “fine! I’m a bad boyfriend.” I told him. NO you’re not. You’re just being bad. If you’re a bad boyfriend to begin with I wouldn’t be with you. If he was just like his friends, I might as well have dated his friends. There’s a reason why they have relationship issues and we hardly don’t because Evan is already mature, kind, and understanding on his own. So I told him. I said “Be with your friends. But when you’re with me, you’re with me. Don’t treat me like how your friends treat their girlfriend or exes.” He said he wants to be a better boyfriend. But I was still stubborn about it. “Don’t tell, just show it to me.” Then he dropped me off. “Thank you for coming to talk to me,” I said. “I’ll come back,” he said. I left the car and he said “I love you.” “I love you too.”

If this goes on (all this treating me like crap, squeezing me into his basketball/pothead schedule, lacking of passion, kindness, and understanding) , we won’t.

I spent more time with Jen Grace and Jessica this weekend.  I have forgotten to value my friendships. I need to spend more time with them. If you love a particular book, don’t stop yourself from reading other books. So you can learn. Discover. If you dislike a book, put it down. But remember to open it and read it again in the future. Because if you change, the book will too.

I remember that one post where I wrote “Changes! :)” one of them including that my Mom will be home with us more often. Well I’m terribly wrong. She won’t be home less, she won’t be home with us at all. I’m going to try to cut hours off from work on the weekends. I won’t work Friday and Saturday. I’ve been so selfish, so self-centered, and so focused on myself that I am hurting others by not acknowledging that they’re there. I could’ve begged my mom to stay. But instead I’m letting her go. I want her at peace. I want her to act on her decision. But I also want to be there for her through all that. I’ll try to sleep over 2-3 out of the 7 days. Definitely Tuesday, Wednesday, and maybe Thursday. Idk yet I’ll have to try it out.  My Mom and I are very different. But I love her.

Taking pictures for A&F this Saturday.

That was kinda weird how Jojo was with Renessa and Nikki today but when I passed by him and i made 349 second eye contact/smile. I was just like “what?!” Then the other day he randomly texted me saying “Huh?” and I said “Huh?” “Did you just text me?” “No haha.” “Oh ok.” “:)” and he texted back “:).” Renessa is trying to get at him btw she thinks he’s hot.